Jokes

[Roger]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”

The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's Get the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

The Russians have said “Its not us”

[Roger]

The rain was pouring down.


There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.


A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"


“Fishing." replied the old man.


Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."


In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gent, being a bit of a smart ass, cannot resist


asking, "So how many have you caught today?"


"You're the eighth", said the old guy.

[Nessi]

BMW recall drivers due to major safety issue...

https://youtu.be/JMJhOSdxQVg

[Roger]

BMW recall drivers due to major safety issue...

https://youtu.be/JMJhOSdxQVg

The old ones are the best !!

[colin39]

IMG-20200329-WA0004.jpg

[Forlorn Hope]

Just sitting doing nothing, I started reminiscing,

I had a good childhood,
I remember My Father rolling me down a hill inside a tyre,
They were Good Years!









Pinched off another forum.

[colin39]

IMG-20200401-WA0000.jpg

[Nessi]

It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses. A local bra manufacturer has gone bust, a submarine company has gone under, a manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers and a company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded, and finally the postman has been given the sack! Timpsons have given there staff the boot and the travelling circus have had to let the trapeze artist go...
However Upholsterers will bounce back.... They get paid to recover

[Roger]

Covid-19, the worst has not even arrived...........
Just wait until the Jehovah Witnesses figure out that everybody is at home.......

[Nessi]

Thank Christ China does not have a cricket team...
Just look at the damage they have caused...
With just one little bat.

[Nessi]

Caution!
Do not sneeze or cough in front of your computer.
Your Anti-Virus will kick in and lock down your computer.

[Nessi]

Doctor Jobs.png

[Kitty]

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[Dust Buster]

Has there been a massive increase in breast surgeries lately - judging by all the one breast bras hanging on clotheslines? Oh wait! I think they might be people washing their face masks. Sorry - delete

[Nessi]

Has there been a massive increase in breast surgeries lately - judging by all the one breast bras hanging on clotheslines? Oh wait! I think they might be people washing their face masks. Sorry - delete

Are they all the left hand side...
Only a right tit would use the other side..

[Forlorn Hope]

Has there been a massive increase in breast surgeries lately - judging by all the one breast bras hanging on clotheslines? Oh wait! I think they might be people washing their face masks. Sorry - delete

Are they all the left hand side...
Only a right tit would use the other side..

Lost my face mask, then I remembered that I leftit on the washing line!

Ok, sorry; I’ll get back in my hole!

[colin39]

IMG-20200516-WA0000.jpg

[Helmie]

Sorry I never noticed that...I was looking at the train in the background...honest!!

[Dust Buster]

Petrol_heads_face_mask.PNG

A true petrol head's face mask.

[Roger]

Petrol_heads_face_mask.PNG
A true petrol head's face mask.

Do K&N do a washable version

[Dust Buster]

Cops_outa_nowhere.PNG

[Dust Buster]

Im_going_to_the_store.PNG

C19 joke

[Kitty]

This is the one doing the rounds in the UK:

Husband: Darling, put on that Nurse's outfit

Wife: Are we going upstairs then?

Husband: No I need you to go to the supermarket, I've run out of beer.

Note for DB - NHS staff get priority in some stores.

[Nessi]

I will not do that again.

Bought a set of brand new snow tyres on a FB selling page for £300
Drove 50 miles to collet them.
Put them in the boot and drove the 50 miles home.
pulled up outside my house and noticed dripping from the back of my car.
opened the boot and the snow tyres were bloody melting.

[colin39]

The Government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns.

It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquillity and normality following the recent pandemic.

Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week

[colin39]

The Government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns.

It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquillity and normality following the recent pandemic.

Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week

[colin39]

I’ve just sorted out the cleaning schedule for the zoo - the lion sweeps tonight

[colin39]

Last week I went for a walk and found a bottle. I rubbed it and a genie came out, “OK the genie said what’s your wish”

I said “I want all ladies to love me”, and so he turned me into a bar of chocolate

[Nessi]

four horse.jpg

[colin39]

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota.”


Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

“You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.


“How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, “One”. The boss says “Just one?! ? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you’re not on the farm anymore, son.”

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), “So, how much was your one sale for?”

The kid looks up at his boss and says “$101,237.65″.

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?”

The kid says, “Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”

The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?” The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy t***** for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’”

[colin39]

A farmer walks into an empty bar, carrying a duck under one arm and a biscuit tin under the other arm. “What’s with the duck?” asked the barman. The farmer says “This duck is special, I taught it to tap dance”. The barman says “No way. If that duck can tap dance, I’ll give you free beer all night”.
So the famer puts the biscuit tin on the bar, sits the duck on top of the tin and says “Dance, dance, my lovely little duck”, and the ducks starts tap dancing like an avian Michael Flatley. “That’s amazing”, said the barman, “fair enough, here’s your beer. Come again tomorrow”.
The next night the place is heaving with customers, who have all heard about the dancing duck. The barman asks the farmer to get the duck to dance again, so the famer puts the biscuit tin on the bar, sits the duck on top of the tin and says “Dance, dance, my lovely little duck”, and the ducks starts tap dancing.
The barman asks, “Would you sell me that duck for £1,000 and free beer for life?”. The farmer replies “That duck is like family to me. I couldn’t sell him for £ 1,000”. So the barman says “How about £ 2,000, free beer for life and all the whiskey you can drink?”. The farmer thinks it over and finally says “Ok you have a deal”.
Three weeks later, the farmer goes back to the bar and as soon as he walks in the barman shouts at him “Oi you, you thieving scoundrel, that duck hasn’t danced a single step since you sold it to me”.
“What did you do?”, asks the farmer. The barman says “I put the biscuit tin on the bar, then sat the duck on the tin, and then said “Dance, dance, my lovely little duck”, and it just sat there quacking”. The farmer gave him a wink and said “Aye, but did you light the candle in the tin first?

[colin39]

In the news...
Police have been accused of using heavy handed tactics to drag furloughed scousers back to work

[colin39]

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn’t have a lighter. So, he asked his friend if he had one.

“I sure do,” he replied, and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a big 12-inch BIC lighter.

“WOW!” said his friend, “Where did you get that monster?”

“I got it from my genie.”

“You have a genie?” the first guy asked.

“Yep, he’s right here in my golf bag.” He opens his golf bag and out pops a real genie.

The friend says, “I’m a good friend of your master, will you grant me a wish?”

“Yes, I will,” the genie replies.

So the friend asks the genie for, “a million bucks.”

Done! The genie replied, hops back into the golf bag and leaves the golfers standing there waiting for the “million bucks.”

Suddenly the sky begins to darken and a million ducks envelop the golfers.

“Hey,” yells the disappointed golfer. “I asked your genie for million bucks, not a million ducks.”

“Sorry,’ the other golfer replied, “He’s hard of hearing, and besides, do you really think that I’d ask a genie for a 12-inch BIC?

[Nessi]

The Maid

The maid asked for a pay increase.

The lady of the house was very upset about this and
decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, see, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaz."

"The first is that I iron better than ju."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than ju."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife increasingly agitated says:

"Oh he did, did he???"

Maria: "The terd reason is dat I am better
at sex than ju in dee bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.

"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No...dee gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

[Roger]

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. 'I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out 100 Euro notes I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

'C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun. 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What?' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

[Dust Buster]

DIY_AC.PNG

[Nessi]

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again .
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

[Nessi]

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

[Nessi]

Sittin talking about cars with a group of friends

We were all talking about cars when suddenly...

A sparky friend said he was getting a new work van to get to jobs

Another friend then asked so any idea what you are getting

The sparky said yeah I an getting a Volts Wagon Transporter.

[Kitty]

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[Roger]

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How do I claim for condensation, as I get it !!

[Kitty]

Me too, Roger, me too! The only way to stop it is not to breathe ...

[Nessi]

First Xmas joke.PNG

[Nessi]

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road..... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
'Now wot da fock would you say?'

[Nessi]

Embarrassing Sex Stories
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is hiding in there.
The little boy says ''It's dark in here''
The man replies ''Yes, it is''
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together once again.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy - "£750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "£1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!''

[colin39]

IMG_20201229_152051_183.jpg

[colin39]

Happy new year

[colin39]

Bingo! He used them all

IMG-20210104-WA0008.jpg

[Nessi]

So I'm at Pets at Home buying a bag of dog food for my dog.
While in the queue, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food?
So being top notch with the banter I told her "No, I don't have a dog, I'm starting my Dog Food Diet again" and that I probably really shouldn't because the last time, I had ended up in hospital, in intensive care with IV's in both arms and tubes coming out of most orifices. But I had lost 3 stone in 4 Weeks!
I told her that it was essentially the Perfect Diet and all you have to do is load your pockets with handfuls of dry dog food and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. I get the 'Complete' food as it is nutritionally balanced, so it works really well, and I decided that I was going to give it another go.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story)
Horrified, she asked if I had ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her "No, I stepped off a curb to sniff a Cocker Spaniel's arse and a lorry hit me.

[Nessi]

The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in!
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, A Royal Flush beats a Pair, no matter how big they are.

[colin39]

[Nessi]

A refuse collector , is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - a bit harder and then harder still. Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Chinese man. "Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector. "I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed. Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.. "No! No! Mate, where’s your dust bin?" "I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed. "Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie' bin?'" "OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"

[Nessi]

A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
"Say Father, do you know what causes arthritis?
The priest, thinking he had a chance to teach a lesson ,replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellowman, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[Nessi]

A young fella with his pants hanging half off his arse, no front teeth and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local unemployment office to pick up his benefit money.
He strolled up to the counter and said:
"Hi there, you know what... I really HATE claiming benefits, I'd really much rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system and getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said:
"Wow, your timing is excellent. We've just received a job opening from a very wealthy elderly man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his brand new Mercedes-Benz CL, he'll supply all of your clothes and because of the unsocial hours, meals will be provided free of charge, you'll also be expected to escort his daughter on her overseas holiday trips, but you will also have as part of your job, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sexual appetite."
The guy, jaw dropping and wide-eyed said:
"You're bull-shittin' me !"
The social worker said:
"Yeah, well . . . You started it . . .“

[colin39]

IMG_20210504_100336_238.jpg

[Nessi]

Whether Conservative, Liberal or Labour , I think you'll get a kick out of this!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words
what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep sh^t.'

[Roger]

Whether Conservative, Liberal or Labour , I think you'll get a kick out of this!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words
what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep sh^t.'

I noticed that you didn't include the SNP in your preamble !

[Nessi]

Whether Conservative, Liberal or Labour , I think you'll get a kick out of this!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words
what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep sh^t.'

I noticed that you didn't include the SNP in your preamble !

Just like I missed all the rest out on a FB post

The Nicky Kranky wall.JPG

[colin39]

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[Nessi]

IMG-20210625-WA0025.jpg
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Han-Cock ginas place.jpg

Han-Cock on porn kub.jpg

[Nessi]

Boris Johnson and Dominic Cummings are on a plane, Boris looked at Cummings, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a £1,000 note out of the window right now and make somebody happy."
Cummings shrugged his shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten £100 notes out of the window and make ten people happy"
Hearing… their exchange, the pilot said to his co-pilot,"Such big-shots, I could throw both of them out of the window and make 30 million people ecstatic!"
If you're one of the 30 million keep this going !!

[Nessi]

Shoplifting old lady..jpg

[Nessi]

sick chinky.jpg

[colin39]

Screenshot_20211015-211237.jpg

;

[Nessi]

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone' He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone... After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He then made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion... The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone!" Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day and all night, all the next day, and the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die... You know why??

Oh, come on... take a guess!

Everyone knows.. You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!

[Nessi]

Finish what you start.jpg

[awbuggrit]

"James"
"Yes, m'lady?"
"Remove my blouse "
"Certainly, m'lady."
"James."
"Yes, m'lady?"
"Remove my skirt."
"Indeed, m'lady."
"James."
"Yes, m'lady?"
"Take off my bra."
"At once, m'lady."
"Oh, and James?"
"Yes, m'lady?"
"Take down my panties."
"With alacrity, m'lady .
"And James?"
"Yes, m'lady?"
"If I catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

[OldBear]

awbuggrit - That's a classic

[awbuggrit]

Yup, the oldies are the best!
This one might raise a slight chuckle:
"James!" "You rang, m'lord?" "Indeed I did, my good man. I have awoken with a considerable erection this morning." "Oh well done sir, shall I inform her Ladyship?" "Not bloody likely , get the Rolls out, this is a WestEnd job!"

[OldBear]

Yup, the oldies are the best!
This one might raise a slight chuckle:
"James!" "You rang, m'lord?" "Indeed I did, my good man. I have awoken with a considerable erection this morning." "Oh well done sir, shall I inform her Ladyship?" "Not bloody likely , get the Rolls out, this is a WestEnd job!"

That' terrible, but then again, it's a good one

[Nessi]

carowner virus.jpg

[OldBear]

carowner virus.jpg

Brilliant!!!!!

[Nessi]

Just went to join Weight Watchers online...
WTF...
It is not letting me do anything
it says that I have to accept cookies...

[Nessi]

Even a calender
after
Monday & Tuesday
Says
W T F ......

[awbuggrit]

Now that's the sort of weight losing scenario I could accept.

[Nessi]

I was just sitting there scrolling away!
Then all of a sudden the Mrs says "You have not listened to a word that I have said"
I replied "thats a odd way to start a converstaion".

[Nessi]

How to safely speak to a woman.png

[Nessi]

A Womans Arse.jpg

[Nessi]

FB_IMG_1727158380000.jpg

[OldBear]

Never been there, but the long way round sounds a safer route to me

[Nessi]

I was feeling sorry for someone I know who has been single for quite a long time
So as a friendly favour I set him up with a blind date
I knew of a really nice single female that would be a perfect long term partner for him
I told him, that I had set him up on a date with the really nice female
but I said I will have to be honest and upfront with you that she is expecting a baby
what a sheer embarrassment when I found out
he was waiting for her outside the restaurant
wearing nothing but a nappy.

[OldBear]

[awbuggrit]

Bet you felt a dummy